I try to be as transparent as possible on here, sharing the good the bad, the happy the sad and I have ALWAYS been so grateful to everyone’s support to me during those times in my life.
We have been trying to grow our family and within the past 3 months have had 2 miscarriages. It’s such a common thing, yet it is rarely talked about it and the emotions that come with it are overwhelming. Once you have a miscarriage, each time you get pregnant again you WANT to be happy and excited but you proceed with caution. Even going to the bathroom becomes scary.
My very first pregnancy about 7 years ago was a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks. I had heard the heartbeat and was planning my gender reveal party. When we went to the OBGYN for the ultrasound, I heard the news that there was no heartbeat. I had to have a D&C procedure and woke up hysterically crying from it. I still have the baby book I was filling during that time. That was SO devastating – but luckily as soon as I could, I went on to have my beautiful and healthy boy Landon, and then 18 months later, gave birth to my daughter Kiersten, THANK GOD for them, I still have SO much to be thankful for! 
This past December I found out I was pregnant again and I was SO excited! Unfortunately I miscarried mid-January, passed everything naturally and that was once again SO upsetting & discouraging. You start to think…..what the hell is wrong with me? WHY does this keep happening?
We tried again as soon as we were able and found out last month we were pregnant once again!! I had SUCH a good feeling about this pregnancy this time! I even had DREAMS about nursing a healthy, beautiful baby once I delivered! Unfortunately, this past Sunday I started spotting.
Instantly, my heart sank because it was a flashback to what happened in January. I had an ultrasound done 2 days ago which revealed a gestational sac but they couldn’t see anything since I was 6 weeks. The Doctors said to be hopeful but take precaution to another miscarriage. I held on to the SMALL glimmer of hope that maybe bleeding during my pregnancy would just be normal for this time around. But…..I then completely miscarried.
I KNOW so many people can relate to my struggles and pain. I always put things in God’s hands and TRULY believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason but that still doesn’t mean it’s EASY for me to go through this. He has other plans for me and the timing for a baby wasn’t right. SOMETHING must have been wrong and this was my body’s way of letting me know that. I have to TRUST his plan and BELIEVE that when it is meant to be, it WILL be. That’s the ONLY way I get through TOUGH times in my life.
I’m sorry to anyone else who has had to go through this as well. I have 3 angel babies and 2 beautiful children who are healthy and well, whom I am SOO thankful & grateful for! . I know I’ll get my rainbow baby when the time is right and when it’s part of God’s plan for me.
If you are struggling with dealing with pregnancy loss or miscarriage, here is a video I posted live on Facebook that shares some what I am choosing to focus on to keep positive during this time. I hope it can help you also.
Video Transcript:
First off, thank you to everyone who messaged me about the news that I shared earlier about the miscarriage we are going through. This is our third one unfortunately and it’s a struggle and it’s definitely not easy to go through these times in life, but it got me thinking about you know all the different things that have happened in my life and it’s not all good all the time – there is struggle, tough times, and hurdles that get thrown at me and everyone else in life. That’s normal.
I sometimes hear people say to me, “I wish I had your positive attitude” or “I wish I could be like you and think that way” and here’s the thing – it’s not easy to choose to focus on the positivity when you are going through tough times. I think back to when I lost my grandfather, or when my husband lost both of his parents very early on in our marriage. One parent was three months after we got married and the other was three months before Landon was born .
I think about both my dogs – my first babies – that died within a 5 week span randomly for no reason. And I think to these three miscarriages now. With every single struggle and hurdle that comes, it would be easier for me to curl in a ball, lay in bed, cry about it, and not want to move on or go forward. It’s OK to feel sad and feel bad and have the emotions with the tough times – but the truth of the matter is you have to believe that things happen in your life for a reason. That’s the only way that I am able to move ahead and keep my eye on the future. I need to trust and know that with these miscarriages – the time wasn’t right for. As great and optimistic as I was about it, it wasn’t the right time. The right time will come when it’s part of the plan. And when it’s meant to be it will be and happen the way they are supposed to happen.
So it’s a concious decision to focus on the good things that will make me feel well. It wasn’t easy sharing that post about this earlier today, but I also know that everyone on here is so supportive and helpful and it makes me feel better. I also know that it’s so relatable – so many women go through this and they never share it and keep it inside and battle it solo. That makes it very difficult. For me sharing my strugle more and being honest with what you are going through is real life. It’s relatable. It’s a decision to focus on positive things that will make me feel good. It’s a decision to listen to personal development, you know “Self Help” – that is going to make me feel better about myself. It’s a decision to fill my mind with positivity and remain hopeful for the future.
So when you have tough times in yuor life, just like I have, because we are all human – it’s OK. Feel the hurt, feel the pain. Go through it. But be hopeful for the future.
Also what helps me is focusing on what I have to be thankful and grateful for. Because however much your situation might suck, there is always something you can be thankful for. For me, I think about my beautiful and health 5 year old and 4 year old at home. I can kiss their cheeks, hug them, love them, they can make me laugh and make me happy. As much as I want to grow my family, I am so happy for what we already have.
It’s really hard to focus on positivity when life throws you crap, but it’s a concious choice and decision to focus on the psotiive and keep moving forward. There are always people that will have it way worse than me, or worse than you. So look for the things to be grateful for. Try to remain hopeful. Try to put your trust in that things happen for a reason. And fill your mind and life with people and things that support you and make you feel good and help you get through the tough times.
Thanks again so much for your support and sweet messages. It means so much to me.
